PASSION FOR TINION (WIP Novel 120,000 words)

© Cupideros, October 21, 2006 

CHAPTER 41: SPECULATIVE RELIGION LIVE!  HOW TO TEACH MEN TO MAKE SOUP

© Cupideros, Sunday, May 17, 2009

The CyberPages camera zoomed in on a happy squirrel-faced Caucasian woman and her coquette bob black hair sporting a bang across her forehead. She is an English woman.   “Hello, I’m Holo “Kitty” Gram.”  She tapped her microphone on her wrist flesh below her white blouse and black women’s blazer that matches her black dress slacks.  “I am not a hologram!  I know some of you out there on Tinon and Gian want to hate me, [her articulate, trumpeting English-sounding voice], “but your hearts won’t let you.  I’m doing something, [she whispers into the camera still in close up] “no one has done before.  [Her voice trumpeted louder]  I’m bringing you SPECULATIVE RELIGION LIVE!” from Calun, Galan.  The camera goes back into a wide-angle shot.  We see the shiny black stage floor and five empty pink chairs.  We see the crowd clapping and cheering.  Holo “Kitty” Gram, her gray eyes shine with brightness matching her constant happy smile.  “Tonight, we discuss this book,” and she held up a paperback book to her B-cup breasts, practically shrink-wrapped in her tight white blouse.  On the book's cover, the live audience and CyberPages audience sees a bowl of soup.  An attractive woman stirring the bowl of soup through flash video technology her facial expressions in rapid succession smug, confident, love struck and then ecstatic.   “Five panelist and you and I will be discussing the famous pillow book by Queen XI’I 390.  How to Teach Men to Make Soup.  Turn on your Pritee-U1 box and record the show.

Holo Kitty Gram: Let’s bring out our guests, shall we.  [A middle-aged woman, executive woman comes out in her blue business pantsuit.  Trailing her is an attractive stay-at-home mom from Galan Conservative Women’s Society in a long mom dress.  Next a gruff looking biker man, wearing leather vest, jacket and pants and a two-inch immaculate cut beard.  Followed by a Thai woman wearing a long gold silk dress, decorated with tiny, tiny black flowers that outlines her petite shapely body.  Finally, a young ten-year-old girl comes out.  Her thick brown hair has two high, but loose ponytails held in place by green scrunches.  She wears jeans, a pink blouse, and sensible flats. Her long hair, flowing down adorning both ears like earrings.  Her face open, narrow brown eyes and a squeaky clean smile.  She looks awfully happy to be on the show.]  Holo “Kitty” Gram smiled at each guest and stopped her gaze at the ten-year-old.  “You--  John, I there must be some mistake.  I see a mere child on my stage.”

John: [Looks down at his clipboard, before he drops it.] No.  No mistake.  [John speaks to the girl.] You are Virtuessa Vanhala.

Virtuessa Vanhala: Yup.  And I’m ten-years-old.  I go to Galan Central Academy.

Holo Kitty Gram: [Laughs and gives a smug look.] We wanted someone a little older, in the sixteen to eighteen year-old range, who had read How to Teach Men to Make Soup.

Virtuessa Vanhala: Yup.  I read How to Teach Men to Make Soup for extra credit over the summer. [The ten-year-old nodded, sending her loose ponytails into tiny circles.]

Holo Kitty Gram: You mean to [her articulate English voice trumpeting upwards] say, no other girls but you, Virtuessa, read How to Teach Men to Make Soup?

Virtuessa Vanhala: Yup.  [She turned deadly serious.  Her eyes narrowed.] I really think it should be required reading.  It was way, way down on our two-hundred-summer book reading list.

Holo Kitty Gram: You mean to say, out of two hundred books you could have read, and one thousand girls at—

Virtuessa Vanhala: Galan Central Academy, an advance school.  I say that to inform those girls on the Quodarian side and on Gian.

Holo Kitty Gram: My--you are competitive.

Virtuessa Vanhala: Yup.  I found How to Teach Men to Make Soup instructive in the applied psychology sense.  Any girl can deliver the Moksha.  In the cognitive psychological sense, boys don’t know how to love.  This must be further researched.  In the community psychology sense as boys and girls learn to move through adapting to society’s strange rules on dating.  In the depth psychological sense because love in the reptilian brain is an unconscious mental process.  In the humanistic psychological sense, because all people as individuals and a collective group want to improve.  I mean they should want to improve.  This is Speculative Religion Live!  Yup.  I can’t say 100% sure all humans want to improve their behavior.

Holo Kitty Gram: That, my little ten-year-old genius, would be truthful religion.

Virtuessa Vanhala: Yup.  [Virtuessa turned toward the surprised cameraman, and she stared into the camera.  She flashed a big smile, and then stuck her tongue out at all the other Quodarian girls.]

Holo Kitty Gram: [Laughing] What was that last nonverbal remark, Virtuessa?

Virtuessa Vanhala: For all those stuck-up Quodarian Girls who think they’re geniuses.

Holo Kitty Gram: [Laughing.  The audience goes wild clapping.]  We have a little competition. 

[The Thai woman sitting next to Virtuessa gave her a high-five. 

The biker made a gruff sound and frowned. 

The Stay-at-home Mom’s face registered shocked disbelief. 

The woman executive smirked in agreement with the child.]

Holo Kitty Gram: But [voice trumpeting upward] seriously, Virtuessa.  The key component to How To Teach Men to Make Soup is delivering the Moksha Slap.  Have you [voice trumpeting] really, given the Moksha?

Virtuessa Vanhala.  Yup.  [Nodded, her ponytails swung back and forth in front of her little ears.]

[The audience laughed and giggled.]

Holo Kitty Gram: The audience doesn’t believe you.  I--for one think it might—be true. Given Virtuessa knows more than most adults about the Moksha in a psychological sense--theoretically.

Virtuessa Vanhala: I did deliver the Moksha.  I gave one to Hackith Wattech.

Holo Kitty Gram: And just what was the circumstance when you deliver this Moksha to Hackith Wattech.  [Holo Kitty Gram turned aside to the camera and whispered in a close up] I hope that not his real name.

Virtuessa Vanhala: Yup.  That’s his real name.  We were alone studying a Bach piece in the music room when he reached over and tried to touch my breasts.  I play the flute.  He the clarinet.  I was turning the page for us, when he touched me.  Right then and their I gave him the Moksha!

[The audience roared.  John motions the CyberPage executives were happy this was cleared up.  The ratings jumped as more and more people logged on to see the ten-year-old girl genius that delivered the Moksha Slap.]

The biker gave Virtuessa a thumb up, showing all his mangled tattoos on his arm. 

The Thai woman gave Virtuessa another high-five. 

The stay-at-home Mom’s face registered mixed feelings of delight and chagrin. 

The woman executive said, You go, girl!

Holo Kitty Gram: [Giggling for a second.] Virtuessa, you, you don't have any breasts yet. 

[The audience giggled.]

Virtuessa Vanhala: Yup.  [She giggled and smiled.  Her ponytails bounced around as she laughed with the audience.]  Does that mean Hackith Wattech can touch my cookie jar tops? [The audience roared.]

Holo Kitty Gram: Cookie Jar Tops! 

Virtuessa Vanhala: Every cookie jar has a knob in the center of a flat circular plane.

Holo Kitty Gram: My--that's true!  But, Virtuessa are you sure it wasn't an accident?  Hackith, in turning the page, the back of his hand brushed your, ehm, cookie jars?

Virtuessa Vanhala: Yup.  I turned the pages.  I'm playing my flute pointing to my right.  Hackith stands on my left.  My defenseless cookie jars exposed.  Yup, he willfully placed his fingertips on them.

Holo Kitty Gram: My--that was a bold of Hackith. 

Herita Izhilan: Shame on you, Hackith Wattech!  [Audience laughed in agreement.]

Holo Kitty Gram: I’ve read this fascinating book.  There is a type of Moksha matching [articulate voice trumpets] exactly these circumstances.  At first, I thought, Virtuessa, you meant a sexual Moksha. 

Virtuessa Vanhala: Girls my age are having sex.  Girls in antiquity old earth in the 20th and 21st century onward were having sex at my age, too.  They were even taking sexting cell phone photos as proof.  I could have delivered a Moksha, if I was having sex.

Holo Kitty Gram: [Laughing.]  Outrageous.  If you knew, but do girls really have sex at your age?

Virtuessa Vanhala:  BJs and all kind of things.  Personally, they should do the Moksha if they have actual virgin sex though. [Her voice got very serious.  She didn't move her head.] It’s the only way to deal properly with boys.

Holo Kitty Gram: [In a close up.]  Audience you thought I was outrageous.  See.  On my show, there is no bullshit, polite, smiling so hard your teeth hurt, holding back the truth.  We can say exactly what is happening.  [Camera back in wide-angle shot.] You, audience, thought I was getting old.  Herita you said, ‘You, Go girl to Virtuessa.’  You agree with someone her age giving the Moksha?”

Herita Izhilan: Yes.  No girl should have virgin sex without the Moksha.  As an executive in the travel and hotel industry, I see many girls suffering heartbreak repeatedly. 

Holo Kitty Gram: Their men dumped them on your doorstep.

Herita Izhilan: In a manner of speaking, yes.  When you leap over the natural tendency of women to carry out the Hippocratic Oath “Do no harm.”   Then delivering the Moksha comes easily.

Holo Kitty Gram: I [voice trumpeting upward] love how you say that ‘women maintaining the Hippocratic Oath.’  It’s so true.

Herita Izhilan: Woman suffering from love is legendary. 

Holo Kitty Gram: Do you agree, Herita, in the violent nature of the Moksha?  It does hurt the man.  Does it not?

Herita Izhilan: No more than him shaving two days of beard growth.  The male is made to withstand violence and external forms of pressure.  He is stronger in this regard.  The Moksha serves only to breech his armor to make him aware women and girls hurt and suffer as well.  See men think all women and girls are like them.  Gruff.  Hard.  Cold.  Unemotional.  Unafraid. 

Holo Kitty Gram: Women and girls are not like that at all.

Virtuessa Vanhala: Yup.

Herita Izhilan: Love must cost the male something other than the old shirt or CD he left at his girlfriend’s house when he dumped her. [The audience laughs.]

Holo Kitty Gram: Do you really think monogamy is for humans, Herita?

Herita Izhilan: Absolutely not.  We are not monogamous at all.  Hence the need for the Moksha.

Holo Kitty Gram: Fascinating.  I started to give John the Moksha our first time, but the sex was so delicious I forgot all about it.  Isn’t that right, Husband, John?

John: [Drops his clipboard.  It klanks on the floor.] No.  I think you gave me two Mokshas.

Holo Kitty Gram: [Laughing hard.  The audience and five guest members are laughing.  The CyberPages rating rise more.]  I was having an orgasm Husband, John.  I don’t [looks shy into the camera.] think I gave John two Mokshas.  [Holo Kitty Gram gets up, leaves the microphone on her chair.  She walks up and gently holds John’s face in her hands and gives him a soft kiss.]  I hope this makes up for my exuberance, Husband, John [she went and sat back down].  Isn’t one Moksha enough, Mr. Netwidd Tundellon?

Netwidd Tundellon: [Pulled on his immaculate beard and smiled.]  You caught me trying to remember what it was like shaving two-day-old beard stubble.

Holo Kitty Gram: Does it hurt much?

Netwidd Tundellon: The sting doesn’t last. Reminds you shave regularly though.

Holo Kitty Gram: So have you [voice trumpeting] received the Moksha?

Netwidd Tundellon: I can’t say that I have.  Biker women like rough sex.  They demand men take the lead in all aspects of the relationship.  I’m finding this a challenge to understand.  How does it go again?

Holo Kitty Gram: [Laughs.]  I don’t want to make John jealous.  [She reads from 390 Queen XI’I’s pillow book:  “The woman positions herself to receive entry by the man.  At the moment entry occurs, the woman delivers her Moksha to the man’s face with the flat palm of her hand.”

Netwidd Tundellon: [Pulls on his immaculate beard.]  Sounds kinky.  Romantic actually.  And women are more orgasmic from doing this Moksha.

Holo Kitty Gram: Honestly, Mr. Tundellon.  How were you selected to be on this show?

Netwidd Tundellon: I won the ticket in a poker game from some sensitive traveling salesman punk, who had a day’s wait at the hotel before his conference.

Holo Kitty Gram:  Really, [her voice trumpeting upwards] you won it in a poker game?

Netwidd Tundellon:   [He smoothed his long hair backwards.  He had a Japanese sign of strength tattooed over his forehead] A game of Death Poker.  Yeah, [he said gruffly] 

[Virtuessa giggled].

Holo Kitty Gram: Virtuessa you’ve heard about Death Poker?

Virtuessa Vanhala: Yup.

Netwidd Tundellon: We had to limit the group.  Holo Gram,

Holo Kitty Gram: Holo Kitty Gram, [she tapped her wrist three times with the microphone].

Netwidd Tundellon: Yeah, right you’re not a Holo Gram.  One hundred men wanted in the poker game when they found out this wuss had a Holo Kitty Gram show ticket.  The entire bar cleared and several tables pushed next to our boardroom sized table.

Holo Kitty Gram: You mean to say, [she laughed and went into a camera close up and whispered] see CyberPages audience, I told you everyone loves, this 32 year old, gray eyed squirrel face]  But really Netwidd, all these men wanted me! [The audience laughs.  John drops his clipboard, with a Klank]

Netwidd Tundellon: You’re not a bad looking broad.  [John gave him a cold stare]  If you were not married.

Holo Kitty Gram: [Looked to John] I’m blushing.  Live audience to you think, a squirrel can blush?  Don’t worry about Husband John, Netwidd.  He knows I’m his and his alone, when I’m not on the show.  Go on.  Isn’t this fascinating audience?

Netwidd Tundellon:  I’m sitting at the head of the poker table like a straight jacket blue-suit wearing CEO.  My black leather vest pockets are stuffed with chips and cash.  I say loudly.  The game will take all night unless we limit players.  Some grumbling occurred.  Death Poker I said.  Death Poker means you put a card with DEATH in bold black letter on the top picturing skull and cross bones in the middle and POKER in bold black letters on the bottom.  Anyone receiving the Death Poker card three times accepted death.  Anyone who loses the final hand is… ahem--meets death.  That reduced the number of participants to fifty.  [He yelled out loud and balled up his fist and cranked his arm down like he was pulling on a bell.] Yeah!

Holo Kitty Gram: You mean to say [her voice trumpeting upwards] fifty strong and witty, courageous adventurous men were willing to face death—just to appear on the Holo Kitty Gram Speculative Religion Live show!

Netwidd Tundellon: [He smoothed his long hair back off his forehead again.]  Apparently.

Holo Kitty Gram: [Laughing.]  And exactly what did you think this show was about Mr. Immaculate Beard?

Netwidd Tundellon: I looked down at the ticket.  It said Holo Kitty Gram Show Live!  I thought she’s a hot intelligent babe.  This will be fun.  [He laughed.]  Since everyone wanted to be on the show.  I wanted to be on the show.  [He took out his ticket stub half.] I wanted this ticket.

Holo Kitty Gram: Thank you for the compliment.  Did the loser or losers really die?

Netwidd Tundellon:  Nah. [He stretched out his massive arms, and linked his fingers and cracked his knuckles outward]  Two times I received the Death Poker card.  After crushing my last opponent, I checked the next card on the deck.  Death Poker.  I would have drawn that card, if the wimp hadn't folded.  We lost seven men, including the last guy I beat.  The Army officer there had a paper for him to sign up.  They went to the front lines that night.

Holo Kitty Gram:  So they're in the Army right now?

Netwidd Tundellon: Yeah, that was a week ago.  They may even be dead now.

Holo Kitty Gram: You know what this means Netwidd Tundellon?

Netwidd Tundellon: Uh, no.

Holo Kitty Gram: [Went into a camera close up, holding her microphone as she always does with two hands like a squirrel eating an acorn.  She whispered.]  This means even little old gray eyed cute squirrel face like me can help out the war effort.

Netwidd Tundellon:  Yeah, Yeah! It does.  Way to go Holo Not a Holo Gram.

Holo Kitty Gram: The things people do to be on my show, but you know Netwidd Tundellon, as Virtuessa said, the Moksha seeps deep into the reptilian brain everyone of us has.  Even the most chauvinistic and macho man or boy has a reptilian brain, tucked away down here near his neck.

Netwidd Tundellon: Okay.  I have a reptilian brain.  [He reached down and hand shined his black motorcycle silver boot snaps] I can’t make a woman deliver a Moksha if she doesn’t want too.

Holo Kitty Gram: You poor man.  [To the audience.] Isn’t Mr. Tundellon, a virgin to the Moksha, poor indeed? [The audience yells out, Yes!]

Netwidd Tundellon: [Laughed and turned to the Thai girl sitting with her legs crossed under her gold silk dress.  Netwidd still laughing put his big mangy palm on her thigh.  Shocked, the Thai woman delivered a Moksha to the right side of his face.]

Porode Uilbzhu: That will teach you to get fresh with me!

Virtuessa Vanhala: Yup.  [She gave Porode Uilbzhu a high five.]

Netwidd Tundellon: [Lifted his hands off her shapely thigh.  His mangy palm print lingered on her golden silk dress.]  Ouch!  Does this mean I get to have sex with Porode?

Holo Kitty Gram: [Shocked, but quick on her feet.]  Mr. Netwidd how did that Moksha feel?  Quickly--say the first thing that came to your mind.  Audience this is fascinating our first live Moksha on television. 

Netwidd Tundellon: Well.  First, I thought, she must like me.  I quickly replaced this thought with, why did she smack me so hard?  All I did was place my hand on her sexy thigh, under her tight dress.  Why do women wear such tight dresses if they don’t want to be touched in them?  Then I thought, damn.  She’s serious.  I like a serious woman.  Then I thought about my male reputation and wanted to fight—I said ‘Fight a girl.’  How ridiculous I felt.  Then I wanted to flee, but again—I said ‘Flee from a girl.’  Then I said.  I’ll never forget this event. 

Holo Kitty Gram: Porode did you realize you’d cause all that in a man, even a gruff man you hardly ever knew?

Porode Uilbzhu: How To Teach Men to Make Soup described this experience exactly.  However, I never fully realized how swiftly it works.

Virtuessa Vanhala: Yup.  Slap.  It’s done.  [She giggled.]

Porode Uilbzhu: I felt vindicated.  My body is my own space. 

Holo Kitty Gram: And who can say what the truth is. 

Holo Kitty Gram: [Shouting loudly] This is Speculative Religion Live!  I want to make a point.  Truth is a conversation stopper.  Speculation is a conversation stimulator.  [She turns to the camera audience.]  The Pritee-U1 box can old 1 million Director’s cut DVDs, to use old earth terminology.  So why not start your own library by buying one? The cost is affordable and the unit is so easy to operate.  It integrates with every electronic device in production, including CyberPages.  Just click under the Buy Pritee-U1 box under my banner at CyberPages/SpeculativeReligionLive/Holo “Kitty” Gram show.  [Holo Kitty Gram laughs] Seriously, you won’t remember all of my fascinating guests and what they said unless you archive the shows.  Do yourself and your children a favor and buy a Pritee-U1 Box today.  John!  John!  Oh my producer is sleeping in the back again. 

John Producer: [John rushes out and the camera catches him zipping up his pants.]  We had a plumbing engineering problem in back.  [He picks up his clipboard and drops it immediately.   He puts on his producer headphones. Nervously he said] Did I miss anything Holo Gram?

Holo Kitty Gram: Our next guest’s name was Miss Stay-At-Home Mom.  Is that, right?

John Producer: [Nods] Yes.

Holo Kitty Gram: I always want to respect our guests.  [Holo Kitty Gram turns to face Ms. Stay-At-Home Mom] You, you represent Conservative Women’s Society of Galan?

Ms. Stay-At-Home: Yes.  I don’t agree with violent sex.  This is rubbish, SLAG sex. 

Holo Kitty Gram: Do you agree with any kind of sex?  [The audience roars.]

Ms. Stay-At-Home: Of course, I have two children, a son and a daughter.

Holo Kitty Gram: Do you believe monogamy comes naturally to man and woman?

Ms. Stay-At-Home: Yes.

Holo Kitty Gram: Then why is the divorce rate over eighty percent in Galan? [The audience boos.]

Ms. Stay-At-Home: Well your audience is bias.  Most Galans want boy babies for the war.  The war causes divorce.

Holo Kitty Gram: The war!  Causes divorce. 

Ms. Stay-At-Home: It’s a proven fact.  Men come back so traumatized they cannot lead in their marriages anymore. When a man can’t lead a woman, he seeks a divorce.

Holo Kitty Gram: [Laughing.]  Why can’t a woman lead?

Ms. Stay-At-Home: Because she wants the man to dominate.

Holo Kitty Gram: Some conservative women still hold sex is a man’s playground, his sphere of maximum influence.

Ms. Stay-At-Home: I defer to my husband in all things sexual, yes.

Holo Kitty Gram: What if Ms. Stay-At-Home, your [her voice trumpeting upward] husband wanted you to give him a Moksha?

Ms. Stay-At-Home: He never would.  He believes in gentle kindness between the opposite sexes.

Holo Kitty Gram: So when you and Mr. Nice have sex, does he jackhammer you? [The audience smirks, giggles.]

Ms. Stay-At-Home: [Embarrassed.] What!  I mean.  Yes.  He moves in and out rapidly.  I am jostled a bit but no more than the average woman during the sex act has been down through the centuries.

Holo Kitty Gram: Does he ever go too fast for you.  [Smiles.]

Ms. Stay-At-Home: What do you mean?

Holo Kitty Gram: You know what I mean, speculatively speaking, sex is a major part of religion.  If we’re going to get at truth, we cannot believe we have the only truth, Ms. Stay-At-Home.

Ms. Stay-At-Home: I hold on and he moves.  I please me.

Holo Kitty Gram: Do you believe Eve ever had an orgasm from Adam in the Garden?

Ms. Stay-At-Home: What!  How dare you degrade my religious beliefs?

Holo Kitty Gram: Are you not an Abyssarian?

Ms. Stay-At-Home: I am not.  I believe in the religion of self-will.  We make who we are.  No Goddess or Gods or angels or demons, Satina.  Just us humans.

Holo Kitty Gram: Then it is possible you could read Queen XI’I 390’s book, How To Teach Men to Make Soup?

Ms. Stay-At-Home: Only if my husband allowed it.

Holo Kitty Gram: Allowed it!

Ms. Stay-At-Home: If we agreed.  We do everything together.

Holo Kitty Gram: Him jackhammering you, too!

Ms. Stay-At-Home: I’m satisfied. I do not need to beat on my husband.  He is loyal and comes home every night.

Holo Kitty Gram: Does he show you affection?

Ms. Stay-At-Home: Sometimes. 

Holo Kitty Gram: This book, [she holds up the pillow book] teaches men and boys for that matter, to be affectionate in the most exquisite style.  I have never read anything like it.  I don’t see why your group opposes this book, Ms. Stay-At-Home.

Ms. Stay-At-Home: Confident men do not allow themselves to be slapped.  This might seriously make Galan men weaker and we might lose the war.

Holo Kitty Gram: The old religious domino argument.  Why do you think this book is so popular, Ms. Stay-At-Home?

Ms. Stay-At-Home: Groupthink.  Desire for diversion.  Unwillingness to do the hard work in relationships.

Holo Kitty Gram:  [Laughs and smiles and shakes her head] If people naturally come to monogamy, relationships should be easy.  Have you read this book, Ms. Stay-At-Home?

Ms. Stay-At-Home: I am too busy to read SLAG.

Holo Kitty Gram: I hardly see how we can have a speculative discussion if you have not read the book, Ms. Stay-At-Home.

Ms. Stay-At-Home: [She shrugs.]

Holo Kitty Gram: In tonight’s show we found even a gruff, macho man can take the Moksha.  Any girl, even a ten-year-old, can deliver the Moksha.  The Moksha works faster than most women and girls realized.  We also learned some people don’t want to know what the Moksha is. They will never read Queen XI’I 390’s famous pillow book How To Teach Men to Make Soup.  Perhaps they believe women and girls are only one-handed sticky donuts.  [Holo Kitty Gram turns to the camera in a final close up.]  See what I mean Cyber audience.  On my show, we can talk honestly about everything, because this is [louder] Speculative Religion Live! With Holo Kitty Gram!  Tune in next week as I tackled speculative truth about Why women need their orgasms? [Camera goes off.  CyberPage viewers see a large selection of arrows popped up on the video: SEND TO, REPLY, ARCHIVE.

End Chapter 41.

Stop thinking monogamy comes naturally to humans.

It does not come naturally to humans.

If no challenge exist, how can you be rewarded?

Monogamy comes more naturally to women, than to men.

But monogamy is not a natural state for humans at all.

FROM THE 3,500 SAYINGS OF THE LAST PROPHET CE.