CANDY MOUNTAIN CHRONICLES
© Cupideros, Sunday, January 27, 2008
Episode #1: Charlie, a Filly!
Anonymous Group Member (AGM): Come on, Charlie, don’t be afraid. There’s a filly waiting for you on Candy Mountain, Charlie, a Filly.
Charlie: How’d she know I even exist?
AGM: I told her Charlie. Me too Charlie. Now she wants to meet you. Yeah Charlie, you have to come along, a Filly is waiting…on Candy Mountain
Charlie: Okay…I’m coming already, I’m coming to Candy Mountain.
Episode #2: The Rubber Thorns.
Charlie: How far is it? I’ve been trotting all day.
AGM: You haven’t been trotting, Chalie. We’ve been talking, and walking, not trotting. Walking Charlie. It’s fun and Candy Mountain’s just past the Rubber Thorn forest?
Charlie: The Rubber Thorn Forest?
AGM: They don’t hurt any, Charlie, honest. They’re made of rubber. Rubber doesn’t hurt, besides on Candy Mountain, it will be so much fun…and you’ll get to meet the Filly, The Pink Filly Charlie.
Charlie: Okay, I’m still coming show the way through the Rubber Thorn forest. Ouch! Hey. Ooweee! This hurts. WTF! You said, they were rubber thorns!
AGM: They don’t hurt as bad as real thorns; this use to be real thorny forests, hard and bloody thorns. Now thorns are on rubber trees, Charlie. You can handle it, Charlie. The Pink Filly waits on Candy Mountain, she’s waiting Charlie, come along, keep up with the rest of us.
Charlie: Ummmphhh! The trees may be made of rubber the thorns are hard as tree limbs. Ickkk! *(*#&* Why did I decide to go up to Candy Mountain? *@@)!)@(_!$_)(@.
Episode #3: Headlines: Charlie’s Healed
Charlie: I’m never going to trust you all again. Those rubber thorns hurt plenty. Look at my flanks and back and even my hoofs hurt.
AGM: Charlie but were nearly there. Yeah. Look Charlie, up over the passive fire lake, can’t you see the Filly, the Filly on Candy Mountain.
Charlie: I’m not sure I see anything. Maybe when I heal up a bit.
AGM: You’re not hurt, Charlie, you're healed. It was in the paper your healed. See, Charlie, here’s what it says on the Internet today. (AGM pulls out an ipod.) Headlines: ChARLIE'S IS HEALED FROM THE RUBBER THORNS NOW. CHARLIE’S HEALED!
Charlie: Let me see that ipod. How’d? WTF.
AGM: You have to listen to the newspapers and Internet news, especially the big headlines, Charlie. Why would the newspapers and headlines tell a lie, Charlie, Why?
Charlie: I know what I feel. I can still see the trickles of blood flowing. Yeah, the blood will stop in a while, but I am not healed yet. Lying Newspapers, lying Internet Headlines.
AGM: Charlie’s Healed. Charlie’s Healed. Yay! Nothing has hurt Charlie! There were no thorns at all hard or rubber.
Charlie: Okay now, I’m getting concerned. I see nothing but fire up ahead. Is it hot?
AGM: It’s not hot, Chalie, not as hot as the Pink Filly waiting on Candy Mountain. Candy Mountain, Charlie. You don’t want to miss her. She’s smart and pretty, Charlie. Pretty.
Charlie: Well if she’s pretty, she might be worth it. Oh okay.
Episode #4. Etiquette With Women
AGM: It’s creepy to be nice to women now a days, Charlie. Make sure you insult the Pink Filly. Speak badly of her. Call her foul names, yeah Charlie, Don’t respect her. Respect is creepy, now, Charlie. You want to be a man, Charlie. Yeah a man!
Charlie: Where did you hear a person should hit a woman, insult her, talk down to her, treat her like a sex object, belittle her intelligence – that sounds creepy to me.
AGM: Everyone is saying you should be mean to women; and not compliment them. It makes women feel bad, and fat and ugly to speak nicely to a woman, It’s in the Headlines, Charlie; they can’t just put anything in the Headlines, randomly, Charlie. You must not be nice, Charlie. Yeah, Charlie, do as you’re told or the Pink Filly will not like you, Charlie. Be a believer!! The Filly on Candy Mountain won’t like, you, you want her to like you, Charlie.
Episode #5: The Passive Fire Lake
Charlie: Why is steam rising from the passive fire lake?
AGM: That’s frost, Charlie. Cool frost, Charlie, don’t you know cool refreshing frost when you see it, Charlie. There’s frost on Candy Mountain too, Charlie. Yeah! Where the filly awaits, Charlie.
Charlie: Oh okay.
AGM: Up and up we go to the Candy Mountain song.
Charlie: Oweeeeeeee! It’s hot, and it hurts and I’m burning. My coat is burning off, help. I’m on fire.
AGM: Hurry up. Keep up with the rest of us, Charlie, we’re going to Candy Mountain, where it’s frosty and cool. Cool and frosty, Charlie. You can roll around in the snow, Charlie.
Charlie: Oucccceeee. Whew. I never thought I wipe my brow with my shins. It’s so hot in this passive fire lake. When will it be over?
Episode #5: The Square Boulders.
AGM: Almost there, Charlie. Weeeee! Just past these boulders. The boulders are fixed, Charlie. They’re glued to the ground.
Charlie: You sure they won’t tumble down on us. What if something should knock them over?
AGM: (Laughing) Charlie, Come on, Charlie we’re going to Candy Mountain; nothing can stop us now. Yeah, we’re almost there, Charlie. Listen to us. The boulders will not come down. Keep up, Charlie, Yeah!
Charlie: What’s that shaking? Oh no! The square boulders are moving downward. Oh. So many of them. Help!! Ouccccceeeee. Eccckkkkk. WhyTF did I come on this stupid journey. I want to go back.
AGM: Sing Candy Mountain Song.
Charlie: I’m injured something terrible, help me.
AGM: It’s over, Charlie, were there! We’re here, Charlie on Candy Mountain! Yeah, Charlie, you made it; you’re a hero, Charlie.
Charlie: I look like a ragamuffin. My coats all dirty and blotchy from the thorns, burnish spots from fire, and nicks from the square boulders. She is not going to like me for sure.
AGM: We're here, Charlie!
Episode #6: The Pink Filly.
AGM: There she is, Charlie. Can’t you see her tail in the cave entrance. Yeah, Charlie, see her tail. She is waving for you to come, inside Candy Mountain. This is it, Charlie. You made it.
Charlie: I can’t…I don’t…I do see something…but it’s mighty dark in Candy Mountain. Why is it so dark?
AGM: It’s not dark, Charlie. There’s a nice big bon fire in Candy Mountain. It’s warm and you’ll like it, Charlie. She’ll teach you all kinds of things.
Charlie: If I’m not nice to her…
AGM: Do as you’re told, Charlie. Just be like the rest of us. Have fun. Have an open mind, Charlie.
Charlie goes inside the cave as the other watch.
Charlie: You filthy slut.....Ouch…what are you doing? Why are your teeth like vampire fangs? Why is your pinkness fading into a white, ghoulish gray? Why are your hoofs and limbs so cold? Help! I think I’m going to lose something of myself.
Summary: Want to Go to Candy Mountain.
Apparently whoever you travel with, your friends can make all the difference in the world; and you should only listen to friends you trust. Don’t make the newspapers and Internet news your friend. You don’t know who’s writing those stories or who is putting that information out. Think twice about news and events. Asks yourself why is good advice no longer good advice? Why is the mob always right? Why is the anonymous media always right and true and willing to tell the truth? What is the truth? Does Candy Mountain represent what the name says it does, or is it the reverse, Poison Mountain or Hurt Mountain? If one part of the journey were a lie, why wouldn’t the rest be a lie?